Holidng Myself Accountable Changed My Life

“Do you have a meditation practice?”

“Yes, on and off.”

“Well then, you don’t have a meditation practice.”

This was a conversation with my teacher 4 years ago.

I took this to heart.

And committed to meditating every day.

This changed my practice drasticly.

I used to go to the early morning class at the studio every day.

When my kids were small I spent $400 a month on babysitters so I could do this.

That’s how important it was to me - yup $400 a month to watch sleeping kids :)

I didn’t have to do what my teacher said.

He wouldn’t know

He wouldn’t care.

But I did.

“If you aren’t meditating you shouldn’t be teaching”

Again, he woulnd’t know if I was meditating

And he wouldn’t care.

He was not attached.

But I was.

This was the point where I took full ownership of my practice.

This was the point where I began to face myself in a whole new way.

This was the point where I realized that the battle was with myself.

And this was the point where I realized that the battle was a war.

I used to blame others for what I felt.

I used to blame circumstances for what I felt.

But mostly, I blamed myself for what I felt.

I knew I had self hatred, but I never realized how much.

Facing ourselves is one of the most challenging things.

And also one of the greatest gifts.

I have had moments of deep pain, frustration and sadness on my cushion.

I have also had moments of utter bliss.

And those moments of bliss, transcending the mind and connecting to deep silence is what keeps me coming back.

Yesterday I missed meditation for the first time in years.

I didn’t beat myself up about it

But I noticed - frustration, irritation and an unsteadiness in myself.

You don’t truly realize the impact of something until it’s gone.

So this morning i woke up, did my sadhana - puja, meditaiton, and kriya.

A huge exhale, and back into the gift of silence.

Grateful for this gift, grateful for this life, and grateful for my teacher.

Sending love….And hope to see you on the meditation cushion soon, Cathy

Cathy Connors